What Am I?

What am I?  Not who am I?  But what am I?  What are the things that make me uniquely me?  What are the things that shape my beliefs, that led me in the directions I went, that influenced my decision-making?

First and foremost, I am a woman.  Growing up, the fact that I was a woman never really occurred to me as being anything important.  It just was.  But now, at age 47, it's hugely important to me.  So yes, first and foremost, I am a woman.  I experience all the things that being a woman brings, that all women across the Earth have in common.  I have been sexually abused, I have been marginalized, I have been underestimated and underpaid, I have been criticized and viewed as less than.  I have been married, I have borne children, I have watched a parent die.  I have watched my world change in so many ways.  I am a woman.

I am a wife.  I am in a marriage that looks nothing whatsoever like what I'd always dreamed a marriage would be.  I'd imagined a partnership, where each of us would have an equal say.  Instead, I am minimized and criticized and dismissed at every turn.  I'd imagined a physically intimate relationship with one man for the rest of my life.  Instead, I am lonely and involuntarily abstinent.  My husband moved to the basement years ago because he couldn't be bothered with intimacy.  But my own moral compass and my adherence to my marriage vows simply won't allow me to seek intimacy outside of my marriage.  So here I am, married but alone.  I'd imagined parenting together with a man who had the same ideals.  Instead, we often contradict one another's parenting styles, resulting in confusion and mixed signals for the kids.  I am a wife.

I am a doctor's wife.  That's entirely different than just being a wife.  It requires a different skill set.  It requires you to know how to have money.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  But I come from a relatively low income family on the outskirts of the the suburbs (not quite the country, but close).  I married into a high income life in West County, a totally different world from which I'd come.  There were a lot of adjustments that I had to make. I didn't know how to handle, spend or manage money like this, and it frustrates my husband, who thinks about money 24/7.  But money aside, being a doctor's wife requires patience.  It requires sacrifice.  It requires to you to be a single parent quite often, then adjust back to having a partner when they are around.  It requires you to give up holidays as a family, but never the same holidays each time.  Unpredictability is the name of the game.  I harbor a lot of resentment, and feel guilt because of that.  I am a doctor's wife.

I am a mother.  I have three beautiful, wonderful, smart, witty boys.  They are my pride and joy and my reason for being.  They are wonderful and frustrating, entertaining and infuriating; I am so damn proud of them yet I want to throttle them at the same time.  My oldest son is autistic.  It's not something I ever dreamt I'd have to know how to do, parent an autistic child.  But I am doing it, and I know I don't always do it right.  I've made so many mistakes.  So many!  But my children love me anyway, and look at me with stars in their eyes still.  I am a mother. 

I am a friend.  My friends are my life blood, and I have so many wonderful friends.  They keep me going when I most want to quit.  They talk me off the ledge when I'm losing my mind.  They lift me up when I'm down, or they get down there beside me until I'm ready to rise.  They call me when they haven't heard from me.  They value me, and want to spend time with me.  They enjoy my presence and I, theirs.  They make me laugh, they make me cry, they challenge my beliefs, they accept me for who I am.  I do my very best to do the same for them.  I am a friend.

I am a sister.  I'm not always the best sister, but I try.  My sister is my favorite sibling.  Maybe that's an awful thing to say.  But her beliefs align more closely with mine, we've been through a lot of shit together, and she gets me in a way that my brothers never will.  My brothers are, for some reason, a constant reminder that my dad is gone.  I love them, but I can only take them in small doses.  Holidays and birthdays are pretty much all I need.  I want have relationships with them, but they're dominant, misogynistic men and I have to maintain healthy boundaries.  So I keep my distance.  Like I said, not always the best sister.  But I am a sister.

I am a strong woman.  I have been through some shit.  Perhaps not as much as some, but I think more than many.  Injuries, deaths, marital problems, an autistic child, health problems, family disagreements, money problems, you name it, I've been through it.  But I am a strong woman, and I will persevere.